


Verbal Judo

by koalathebear



Category: Smallville
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koalathebear/pseuds/koalathebear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a cute article (now gone) in the Torch, in which Chloe interviews Lex Luthor.  Season 1.  I'm pretty sure I stopped watching after that season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Verbal Judo

**Chloe** _[into the tape recorder]:_ Testing….. The next part of our searing exposé of Smallville’s most prominent, high-flying yet maddeningly enigmatic individual Mr Lex Luthor. As you will recall, the last time I spoke to Mr Luthor was after he kindly regranted me an interview - after the first attempt had been rudely interrupted by my unceremonious leap out of a third story window. In view of reader complaints that the last interview in The Torch was too short, Mr Luthor has acquiesced to my requests for a further interview.

 **Lex:** You mean demands.

 **Chloe:** Do you _mind_? I’m trying to get the introduction just right.

 **Lex:** Very professional. It’s a pity the tape recorder can’t capture that chilling glare. I note that you’ve been considerate enough to dispense with the video camera this time.

 **Chloe:** It’s as much for me actually. Bad associations... The tape recorder is fine though isn’t it? Do not tell me that you’re going to be so archaic as to make me write this out by hand?

 **Lex:** Taping’s fine, but are you sure that it won’t bring back unpleasant memories about being buried alive in Chandlers Field?

 **Chloe:** Thanks so much for the reminder. That event took place well _after_ our last interview – such that the tape recorder remains trauma-free in terms of memories. Let’s start, ok? Since we last spoke, I’ve received many emails about the fact that you have taken a part share in The Talon. Explain your motivations for this somewhat uncharacteristic action.

 **Lex:** Ms Lang provided me with a viable business proposition that I considered and accepted.

 **Chloe:** Nothing more? There weren’t any motives of sentiment perhaps?

 _[incredulous silence]_

 **Chloe:** All right – well was it a blatantly shameless attempt to buy favour and win the hearts and minds of the admittedly mistrustful folk of Smallville who regard you and your family as being something akin to the spawn of Satan?

 **Lex:** First Ms Sullivan, do you think I care about the opinions of the good folk of this esteemed town and secondly, in view of your spawn of Satan comments, do you think that anything I do could could possibly sway their views of me anyway?

 **Chloe:** OK, what about the purple shirts? No one else in Smallville wears purple shirts.

 **Lex:** I’m flattered that you care. Is that all you learned from an internship at the Planet, Chloe? Sartorial patterns of the rich and famous?

 **Chloe:** Well they’re just so purple! OK, back to the interview, sorry, was just distracted for a moment there. _[Into the tape recorder]_ By way of explanation, Mr Luthor is wearing another one of his striking lilac numbers.

 **Lex:** Purple.

 **Chloe:** And he is leaning back in his seat in the library in that arrogant manner to which we are all accustomed, an enigmatic expression in his cold pale eyes. The gold Napoleon face of his watch gleams balefully as he contemplates my next question…..

 **Lex:** Is that really necessary?

 **Chloe:** I’m adding context. Readers like to know the little details.

 **Lex:** I see.

 **Chloe:** I know that like me you believe in the theory that the meteor shower in 1989 has had an untold effect on the local flora and fauna. Why is it you believe? I would have had you pegged as a sceptic rather than a believer.

 **Lex:** Well while I’m not an avid fan of the X-Files, I do know how to trust my own judgement. I have personally seen and experienced the strange things that take place in Smallville even though at first blush, it might appear to be the most ordinary of farming communities and …

 **Chloe:** Just in case you were about to launch into some quote about there being more things in heaven and earth Horatio than are dreamt of in my philosophy yada yada ya – I already used that quote in an earlier edition of The Torch. Been there done that. Try something else.

 **Lex:** I …

 **Chloe:** Oh and before you even think of it – I already used the other one too i.e. I could a tale unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood blah blah make thy two eyes like stars start from their spheres etc etc thy knotted and combined locks to part and each particular hair to stand an end like quills upon the fearful porpentine. You know the one. Sorry, it’s a great play but Hamlet’s been done to death.

 **Lex:** As you appear to have so neatly taken the wind out of my sails, I suppose I can only quote the Chinese philosopher Chuang-tzu who once said that: “ _Once upon a time, I, Chuang-tzu, dreamt I was a butterfly, flittering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly...suddenly I awoke... Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man_."

 **Chloe:** Not bad - you’ll have the readers convinced you’re either addicted to drugs or inhaling fertiliser. Either way – the readers will love it. Darn, I should have used that butterfly quote when I did the report about Bug Boy.

 **Lex:** Apologies for the tardiness of my inspirational quote, Ms Sullivan.

 **Chloe:** You called me Chloe before.

 _[silence]_

 **Lex:** I did?

 **Chloe:** Yeah. You did.

 _[silence]_

 **Lex:** Must have been a slip of the tongue.

 **Chloe:** I guess.

 _[silence]_

 **Chloe:** OK, so why Lex?

 **Lex:** I thought we already discussed my name in the last interview? Do you have a problem with my name?

 **Chloe:** It’s just so eighties .. model-sounding …. Eurotrash Trophy Wife … luxury car-esque.

 **Lex:** Let’s just say I’m not too thrilled about walking around being called Alexander by all the world.

 **Chloe:** Good point. So what would you say was your most frightening encounter in Smallville to date?

 **Lex:** Besides being interrogated by intrepid young journalists?

 **Chloe:** That’s so funny. Let’s see. We’ve had psycho wall walking tattoo junkies, sleazy Uri-gellar-esque developer who handshook Clark’s dad into selling the farm, freaky shape shifting girl who framed you for a bank robbery and made your bad boy reputation even _worse_ than it was…. Oh and my personal favourite – the evil sunflower of death that made everyone do the wacky.

 **Lex:** You forgot the maladjusted teen with an invisibility complex who encouraged his sister’s sad stalker tendencies, attempted to drown my girlfriend in her bath and then tried to beat me to a bloody pulp in my own home.

 **Chloe:** Yeah. He was pretty freaky I admit. Actually …..Lex ..

 _[long pause]_

 **Lex:** Yes?

 **Chloe:** Actually, although I'd have to say that Sean the life sucking human popsicle was pretty freaky on the Freaky Scale, my most terrifying encounter was with Deputy Watts who was, by comparison – completely human still.

 **Lex:** It’s a sad fact that man is capable of the most horrific atrocities and our capacity for evil is boundless. “ _Detestable race, continue to expunge yourself, die out_. …”.

 **Chloe:** Edna St Vincent Millay – Apostophe to Man On reflecting that the world is ready to go to war again

 _[long pause]_

 **Lex:** Well-spotted – as always Ms Sullivan.

 _[long pause]_

 **Chloe** _[clearing her throat]_ : Well I guess I can categorise you as a pessimist then, Mr Luthor.

 **Lex:** That’s Eighties Eurotrash Trophy Wife to you, Ms Sullivan. I wouldn’t say I was a pessimist. I still believe in the fundamental goodness of some people. Trust, honestly, loyalty – these are qualities that I value and cherish.

 **Chloe:** Victoria wasn’t really your girlfriend was she?

 _[pause]_

 **Lex:** Pardon?

 **Chloe:** I mean, wasn’t she just your Featured Skanky Ho of the Week? I wouldn’t have thought she would fall with the category of Girlfriend as such.

 _[pause]_

 **Lex:** I confess, your interest in my personal life is as perplexing as your interest in my _purple_ shirts.

 **Chloe:** I’m telling you those purple shirts are going to qualify you for my Wall of Weird status if you’re not careful – right next to Bee Girl or Fat Sucking Vampire Girl…….. Mr Luthor - why are you smiling at me like that? _Stop it_!!! You're throwing me off.

 **Lex:** I have no idea what you’re talking about. You must be mistaken. By the way – you called me Lex quite nicely before.

 **Chloe:** You’re laughing at me.

 **Lex:** I wouldn’t dream of it, Ms Sullivan. You’re looking a little flushed – are you feeling all right? Would you like a drink?

 **Chloe:** I’m _fine_. Stop trying to highjack my interview.

 **Lex:** Do all seventeen year olds blush as charmingly as you? It’s rather appealing.

 **Chloe:** Look here – don’t you try to ooze charm and throw me off guard you … _you_ …. Fertiliser King!

 _[the tape spools as the silence grows]_

 **Lex:** Fertiliser King? Stooping a little low, aren’t we? I think I almost preferred Eurotrash Luxury Car. Next you’re going to call me baldie.

 **Chloe:** Never. That would be completely devoid of any wit.

 **Lex:** Whereas “Fertiliser King” is simply oozing Dorothy Parker and Shavian Sparkle.

 **Chloe:** Stop laughing at me!!!!!

 **Lex:** I can’t help it. You’re actually very adorable, Chloe.

 _[tape starts to squeak]_

 **Lex:** Maybe it’s my turn to add context. Ms Chloe Sullivan is sitting at the edge of her seat in my library, blushing furiously with her eyes fixed on my face. Through the course of the interview I’ve watched her animated face with great interest, seeing the flashes of irritation, laughter and sadness … and… dare I say it …. _attraction_? Arousal perhaps?

 **Chloe:** Of all the arrogant ….. what are you doing? Sit down. You’re being interviewed – you stay on _that_ side of the desk. You do not cross over to _this_ side … that’s bad interviewing etiquette ….. _what_ are you doing????

 **Lex:** Is that damned tape recorder still on?

 **Chloe:** Of course… but … what are you doing? Lex!

 **  
_Click._   
**

  
**The End**   



End file.
